You Know You've Been Watching Too Much X-Files When . . .

Note: These were taken from Jadar Allyna's homepage with permission, I did not write any of them

• You wait for the phone to ring at 11:21 pm.

• You suspect your microwave and cell phone are sending you subliminal messages.

• You only buy soft light bulbs.

• You ransack your apartment or house looking for listening devices.

• You try to see how many times you can fit "plausible" into a normal conversation.

• You think your substitute teacher is really a demon who practices black magic.

• You get arrested for assault when you grab a man by the collar and ask him what he knows just because he was smoking Morleys.

• You refuse to let your friend consider plastic surgery.

• You check your morning paper for audio cassettes.

• Your friends have made a pact to hit you anytime you start quoting X-Files for no reason. ("Go with it, Scully." *whack* My buds started this three seasons ago . . .)

• You bought a child proof lock for your toilet. You don't have any children.

• You spend $4000 on a flash light.

• You name your dog Blue and/or Queequeg.

• You refuse to eat chicken for weeks.

• You insist to the landlord that you have to have apartment 42.

• You feel a little twinge of fear everytime you check your answering machine, just in case your best friend has left a desperate cry for help on it. (It could happen.)

• You fail a history test because you answered "Who shot President Kennedy?" with "Cancer Man".

• You get in big trouble from your boss because you keep taking the company's computer DAT tapes and hiding them in your desk.

• You have this intense fear of opening venetian window blinds. (Hey, I know I do.)

• You decide to learn Navajo - just in case.

• You decide to learn Japanese - just in case.

• You decide to learn Russian - just in case.

• You shudder everytime someone says the word fluke.

• You get REALLY suspicious when your teacher offers to hold your jewelry.

• You immediately get scared when you walk into a job interview to see a man smoking cigarettes.

• Your teacher doesn't even notice anymore when you start quoting episodes in the middle of boring English classes.

• You search everywhere to find reading glasses like Mulder's/Scully's for your significant other.

• You refuse to go on the family camping trip when your father says it will be a "nice trip to the forest".

• You look in your telephone book under the last names "Mulder" and "Scully" and call them, JUST to make sure. (Case in point - I've done that!) -- Erin

• Two words: "X-Files Fanfic". -- Gwynne Siak

• During the Golden Globes, which were on the same night and time as the X-Files in the U.S., you had your whole family watching the other tv so that you could catch GA, DD, and CC up for their awards WHILE watching/recording the rerun of "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'". -- Gwynne Siak

• You spell 'smoldering' 's-mulder-ing'. -- Gwynne Siak

• You know that the Final Exams were fixed because you swear you saw a s-mulder-ing Morley next to the test papers. -- Gwynne Siak

• You tend to want to answer your phone with "Mulder" or "Scully". -- Gwynne Siak

• When trying to break into computers with pass codes, you immediately try 'TRUSTNO1'. -- Gwynne Siak

• You always ask the lady at the Periodicals desk in the library if they have the latest installment of The Lone Gunmen. -- Gwynne Siak

• You know the REAL reason why you drink bottled water, and it ain't because it's freshly tapped from the Alps . . . -- Gwynne Siak

• You are talking to your friend when her Call Waiting clicks on the other end and you scream, "Who else is listening to this?!" -- Gwynne Siak

• You freak out when you hear a car driving down the street playing, "Wonderful! Wonderful!" -- Gwynne Siak

• When publishing something anonymously, you use "M.F. Luder". -- Gwynne Siak

• The power and lights blink on and off and you yell, "We just lost NINE minutes!" -- Gwynne Siak

• Port-o-potties are a no-no. -- Gwynne Siak

• You cheer when the times 11:21 and 10:13 roll around. -- Gwynne Siak (Now, don't we ALL do this?)

• You watch "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" five times just to see David Duchovny. -- Gwynne Siak

• Ditto with "Beethoven". (The dog movie, not the dead composer.) -- Gwynne Siak

• You refuse to take phone calls (or e-mails) when X-Files is on. -- Gwynne Siak

• You walk by a comic store, see the title of a magazine with "The X-" on it and get hyped, even though it's "The X-Men Magazine". -- Gwynne Siak

• You dragged your friends through 8 book stores, three malls, and assorted magazine stands to find the issue in which Entertainment Weekly featured the X-Files. -- Gwynne Siak

• Ditto on GQ and TV Guide(s). -- Gwynne Siak

• You tear out articles about the X-Files from magazines that belong to the public library, or your doctor's and dentist's office (or hey, both). -- Gwynne Siak

• The people where they sell X-Files merchandise know you by name and tell you, "The new X-Files videos are in the back." (Suncoast Motion Picture stores in Atlanta -- Rock on!) -- Gwynne Siak

• On "FBI's Most Wanted", you expect to see a story on Krycek. -- Gwynne Siak

• You wonder what is REALLY under the escalators. -- Gwynne Siak

• You blame bad days on Cosmic Alignment. -- Gwynne Siak

• You know that the rustling noise outside ain't no duck . . . -- Gwynne Siak

• The hairdresser asks you what kind of style you want and you are VERY tempted to say, "Fourth season Scully, a little shorter on the ends though." -- Gwynne Siak

• Under your picture in the yearbook: "Most Likely To Stalk David Duchovny/Gillian Anderson". -- Gwynne Siak

• You look for "Omni" and an article by "M.F. Luder". -- Gwynne Siak

• Your idea of a practical joke is scrawling, "HE IS ONE" in permanent marker on a sleeping person's back. -- Gwynne Siak

• You have a fear of mosquito bites, too. -- Gwynne Siak

• The preview for "Ghosts of Mississippi" comes on in the theater and you yell, "Deep Throat!" when you see Jerry Harding. -- Gwynne Siak

• You buy "David's Sunflower Seed" brand because it has a double meaning. (This is actually a brand!) -- Gwynne Siak

• You're going through airport security when the guard begins to wave his wand over you and you start panicking that they'll find an implant in your neck. (My mother couldn't understand why I kept muttering, "But I AM wearing a necklace today! Really!")

• You're introduced to a girl named Bambi and you squeak, "Her name is BAMBI?" then tell her this is no place for an entamologist.

• At election time you see a sign that says, "Vote Progressive Conservative - Laurie PUSHER - you and Ralph's Team" and you think, "So THAT'S how the Tories got re-elected." (This would be Alberta politics, BTW.)

• You continually space out in Social Studies class because your text book is written by "A. Scully". (This is true.)

• You continually space out in Chem labs every time your teacher says, "Erlenmeyer flask". (This is also true. And my parents wonder why I don't pay attention in class.)

• You're watching this cheesy preview for some new tv series and you start shrieking when you see the actress who played Mrs. Paddock. (Aaaa! I knew all those lame dramas trying to cop the Files were evil!)

• You absolutely refuse to disect a fetal pig in your Bio 30 class.

• Anytime you're ticked at a guy, you and your BFF chorus, "HATE him." "Hate him!" "Wouldn't wanna DATE him!"

• You freak out when you notice your math teacher wearing a red and blue striped tie. (That explains my math grades . . . it's a conspiracy.) -- Meg

• You can't stop staring at a guy ing the audience during a performance of your school play because he looks JUST LIKE the Puppet in "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose". -- Meg

• Anything for which you can't find an explanation immediately becomes classified as an X-File. -- Jo-Ann

• Your relatives give you all X-Files related presents for Christmas. -- Jo-Ann

• You don't call Mom to say hi; you call to talk about last night's episode. -- Jo-Ann

• Your pets' names are Spooky and Samantha. -- Jo-Ann

• You visit Washington, D.C., and embark on The X-Files' Tour. You take pictures of the agents' entrance at FBI HQ, and THE bench at the Reflecting Pool. -- Jo-Ann

• As you're sitting in the audience at the firearms demonstration at the FBI HQ tour, you think up situations where Mulder, Scully, and Skinner would be in the same situation. -- Jo-Ann

• You'll never look at an ice pick the same way again. -- Jo-Ann

• You have a distrust of elevators that talk to you. -- Jo-Ann

• You find yourself reciting dialogue from the pilot episode while your vacuuming because your cd player's batteries have worn down from playing the "Songs in the Key of X" cd too many times. -- Sarah Kiley

• You go to the doctor's office for an ear cleaning to get rid of the wax buildup and this big long black thing comes out of your ear and you start shrieking, "IT'S THE BLACK CANCER!" -- Sarah Kiley

• You cheer and giggle at inappropriate times during the episode. -- Sarah Kiley

• You re-enact the assassinations of Deep Throat and Mr. X every once in a while and your family thinks it's natural. -- Sarah Kiley

• You won't go NEAR bannana cream pie without backup. -- Sarah Kiley

• Every song you hear on the radio would be PERFECT for the show. -- Sarah Kiley

• The back of your bedroom door is a shrine to TV Guide and Entertainment Weekly ads featuring the magical "X". -- Sarah Kiley

• You want Chris Carter to step down and let YOU take care of the show. -- Sarah Kiley

• You wish your Spanish teacher would die under mysterious circumstances so M and S could come and investigate. -- Sarah Kiley

• Someone mentions pie and you yell, "Darin Morgan!" -- Sarah Kiley

• You start screaming when you're listening to your Sheryl Crow cd because she says the name Scully in the song "A Change". (That and the whole "Maybe Angels"/aliens thing.)

• You get thrown out of your sex ed class for asking just what auto-erotic asphyxiation was.

• You mourn for Quee Queg at the sight of Pomeranians. -- Carolyn Lam

• You wonder just what people mean when they tell you you've lost weight. -- Carolyn Lam

• You look for that perfect pair of black heels Scully wears in "Leonard Betts". -- Carolyn Lam

• You refuse to enter the FBI building, considering it as close as you can get to Nirvana. -- Carolyn Lam

• You weep when you see little girls playing hopscotch. -- Carolyn Lam

• You use bleep to bleep bleeping words. -- Carolyn Lam

• You decide you want kids after all, since Scully wants the little monsters so that's good enough for you. -- Carolyn Lam

• You're often caught staring at crickets with a slightly glazed expression. -- Carolyn Lam

• You snap, "NO!" when people ask to borrow your pen. -- Carolyn Lam

• You're trying to crack a computer password and when TRUSTNO1 doesn't work, you use VEGREVILLE. (Which is a town in Alberta that's home to the world's largest Ukrainian Easter egg. This is the truth.)

• Your drama teacher always has to yell at you for spouting out X-Files "death" lines during the death scene in Romeo and Juliette. "I think I hear the wolf at the door . . ."

• A friend tells you she's thinking of visiting a fertility clinic and you burst into hysterical tears and beg her not to go.

• "Deceive, inveigle, and obfuscate" actually raises your SAT scores. (Obfuscate is on there a couple of times). -- annonymous

• You know the characters so well that you can say lines along with them even in the episodes that AREN'T reruns. -- Susan Green

• You met your best friend only because she happened to be drinking a root beer in the school dining hall and happened to hear you murmur "Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer." under your breath. -- Susan Green

• You're actually gaining weight from playing the X-Files drinking game with M&M's and popcorn. -- Susan Green

• You entertain your friends by letting them pull any episode from your tape collection and identifying it by looking at one frame of film. -- Susan Green

• Your friends call your favorite X-Files t-shirt your "uniform." -- Susan Green

• You yell at you TV every time Mulder messes up a crime scene. (e.g. "Don't just throw the glove on the camera! Put the glove on!" or "There might be fingerprints on that!") -- Susan Green

• You jump up and down and scream when an episode is set in your home state. You become highly irate if the writers screwed up the geography of your home state. -- Susan Green

• Your best friend's fantasy is to steal David Duchovny's garbage can. (Don't ask.) -- Susan Green

• You think it would be cool and ironic (but still cheesy) if Mulder and Scully used Hybrid pens filled with green ink. (They do exist! I own some . . .) -- Katrina

• You run, screaming in mortal terror, at the mere sight of a bee.